It’s been nearly a year since this beautiful passion project of mine launched and yet as soon as it came to existence, the dream – the fire that lit my soul up – seemed to burnout (much like myself). 2015 was a year where so many things had changed for me and facing burnout seemed to be my only constant and still is. I had dreams and aspirations of greatness. Excitement for what was to come and then as I continued to take on more and more projects, I slowly began to lose myself without really even noticing. I felt as if I only continued to stay hyper-focused, to work even harder, to have as less idle time that I might have been able to overcome the rut and the impending burnout that I was heading towards.
As you might imagine, I crashed and blew up in flames. Unfortunately, I put my body and spirit through too much madness. To backtrack a bit, I spent over a year-and-a-half not sleeping. Not entirely because I was off building relationships and climbing the corporate ladder. I mostly spent my time pleasing all those around me. My family and their needs, my so called boyfriend at the time and all his needs, my friends, my colleagues. By the end of it all there was nothing left. Cariela had disappeared, disseminated from existence. I simply became everything for everyone and left nothing for myself.
I was not living authentically and to be honest I’m not sure what that even means now. Who is Cariela? You got me! What are my interests? I have no clue! I’ve found myself broken and hurt and stuck in a deep dark hole. I’ve been wallowing in the darkness and still at this very moment as I type these words I’m in a hole so deep I’m unsure how to get out. I’m lost and unfortunately, my health is deteriorating as a result of it. DAMN. Being a #twentysomething sure isn’t what it’s cut out to be and what stalls me the most is that the world doesn’t stop for any of us to figure it out. Argh! It’s infuriating, yet I’m full of guilt. Guilty for complaining about these first world problems. I know what it means to not have a lot and I know so many others that truly suffer in this wild world of ours and I’m ashamed to not be as ecstatic about what I have and of a bright future ahead of me.
If you know me, you know I’ve been Miss Positivity, for almost most of my life I have been. Where has that girl gone???? I suppose, my down pour began when I truly felt alone in this world. I’ve been so hyper-connected with people and creating their happiness that I forgot myself. And once I was truly left alone with my problems and with big decisions, my brain seemed to erupt and burst into a million pieces. I’ve always based my life on others needs and had no clue how to begin to focus on my own. I completely forgot to care for myself and develop my individuality. My happiness has always been a direct result of those who are around me. I don’t know how to pull from within and when you choose to surround yourself with a few negative people you make some really bad decisions. I am a person easily influenced by others and thinks that deep down people don’t intentionally seek out to hurt one another. Boy am I NAIVE!
I’ve found myself becoming a cynical person and this hurts me to my core because that is not who I want to be. There are so many great things in this life that I’m simply giving up on because I can only focus on the negative.
Baby steps is what I keep hearing from colleagues and loved ones the like. I’ve never been good with this. I’m too hard on myself to allow the ‘process’ to flourish. You can’t expect to walk out of the womb killing the game of life, right? Yeah, I wonder why I keep thinking that has to be me; on top of it all, all the time and for everyone. There is something truly off about myself and I haven’t been able to fix it. I need to let go and move on because if I don’t I’m sure to perish. With that said, baby step number one is to simply get up in the morning and think of one positive thing for the day.
Keep up with me on that @emergingmktr on twitter #21daysofpositivity. Why? Because we all need some accountability.
I pray for peace and purpose in all our hearts.
The Emerging Marketer